beach*] l o v e

9.27.2005

geog ca's over. yay. like finally. haha. there's..ard 5 more to go. i think. God i've been so damn stressed out lately. and i'm WAY behind schedule. oh man. eek. and finals are like starting 3 days later. ohwells. i shall just look forward to the period after finals. yay. can slack and slack and slack.

damn.damndamndamn. i feel so sad. i thought i have moved on. but.. i dunno if i had. argh. i already told joan and joce abt it. i dunno la. maybe.. when i said that i've left it behind me, i was just simply deceiving myself. like i wanna move on so much until i THOT i've moved on. tho i havent. i still have a few tinges of jealousy and sadness and happiness here and there. it's realli a wonder how someone can totally take over my life. this is just so ridiculous man. UTTERLY RIDICULOUS. fuck. fickfuckfuckfucking hell.
wad is this shit.i think i love you... this doesnt make sense. in fact. nothing in life makes sense. at all.

[flashes of your shadow]
at Tuesday, September 27, 2005

9.24.2005

yay! just got home. from salsa class. it was fun!! tee hee. the instructor had to rush to somewhere so we got this replacement teacher. he's funny. haha. like he tells the ladies to feel hot and sexy and tells the men to feel macho. hahaha. damn he's a consultant. only the really advanced ppl go to him and ask him to correct them. haha. he taught us like the attitude and stuff. and he demonstrated how to walk "with style". heh heh.

after that, went to Gallery Hotel. omg it's so cool! the lights so nice!! and it's full glass window. wowee.went to the lounge. it was salsa night. think only 17 or 18 and above can enter. in the car on the way there, i took mummy's make-up pouch and quickly put on make-up. and i borrowed her denim jacket and let my hair down and stuff. yay. so i got in. haha. not allowed to get alcohol tho. lol. stood ard and watch the ppl dance on the dance floor. omg they're like so damn bloody good!! saw my instructor there. heh. he was the emcee i think. and there were like camera ppl. haha. i was hungry so we left.

went for supper den went home. haha.

yeah! i'm forgetting it!! think i've moved on!! ooh wee!!!

[flashes of your shadow]
at Saturday, September 24, 2005

9.21.2005

Gawd. i think i'm in ~~love~~ with you.ugh!!no!! it isnt possible.. what is happening to me...wad's all this self-denial??

[flashes of your shadow]
at Wednesday, September 21, 2005

9.19.2005

why are you doing this to me?? wad the hell did i do man???? i'm asking the same questions to myself over and over again. you're making me suffer this endless misery and you dun give a bloody damn. i thought i have forgotten abt you but i haf not. i haf not bloody forgotten!! cos everytime i see you, i see a glimmer of hope. everytime our eyes meet, i feel my heart flutter. everytime we touch, i feel my skin tingle. God. i'm like this fuckkin loser sitting ard, waiting for you. well, i'm not anymore. i'll try, at least. my heart's ripped into shreds by you. i dun wanna be tortured like this anymore. when i see you having the time of your life, and i'm not in that bloody crowd you noe how awful i feel? but it's not like you give a shit anyway. you can just go ard, prancing and skipping in the sun and under the moonlit night and carrying on wif your bloody fuckkin happy-go-lucky life. suit yourself man. i aint gonna lie in wait for you anymore. i'm hurt enough as it is. i feel so bloody fake and hypocritical in the fuckkin mask i'm wearing everywhere i go. except at home, where i brood all day and just lie ard. cant even study in peace without your bloody image in my mind. you noe how bloody irritated i feel?? you're fuckkin annoying. i dont know why i'm so STUPID to go head over heels with you man. you're not the least bit worth it!
urgh. i cant stand this stress man. eek. finals are just two more weeks. i've GOT to be patient. and wait. darn it.

[flashes of your shadow]
at Monday, September 19, 2005

9.14.2005

when will i ever come to my senses? and stop the way i'm feeling RIGHT NOW! cos this sucks. lyk so much. i hate.hate.hate the way that i'm feeling right now. why? whywhywhywhywhy??? why of all ppl, me? why of all things, that? i'm feeling so uncertain and insecure. and very very very confused. why do i haf all these weird thoughts? all those strange dreams? where do they come from? haha maybe i'll buy a dreamcatcher to stop all these dreams. i cant take it anymore. this adds on to a huge pile of stress, homework, school, etc. i dont know how long i can last like that. can you please stop making me suffer? please? stop pulling me down. stop making me feel this way. this is all your fault. your damn bloody fault. how can you be so ignorant?or are you just simply feigning ignorance? is it so fun to watching me suffer this whole while just for you? i dont think it's fair. i dont think t's fair AT ALL! stop all your bullshit. stop all your childish games. cos i'm SO not interested in them. i noe very well where they'll lead me to, thank you very much. tears and sadness and endless misery, that's where.so kindly stop all this shit. cos i cant take it no more. you and your bloody nonsense. you haf any idea how much you hurt me, over and over again? do you think that i dun haf a heart? do you think that i cant feel? cos i can. and very well i must confess. too well, in fact. to let myself get hurt so many bloody times. by you. sucha worthless thing to get hurt by. but i noe i'll get over it. it's just a matter of time. TIME. how i hate that word. how i detest it. it's passing EVER so slowly, and forcing me to put up wif your bullshit. you dont deserve my attention. you dont deserve my emotions. but you noe wad? you CONTROL them. you're taking over me. you noe wad the worst thing is? i LET you. i actually let you take over and control me. i cant live the way i lived before. i cant smile the way i did before. i cant laugh the way i did before. i wanna cry so fucking badly, but those fucking tears simply REFUSE to flow. i noe that if i cry, i'll feel so much better. so so so much better. and much much much less miserable. i really dont know wad i did wrong to deserve to be treated this way. you can just go on like everyting's normal. when i cant. i'm in sucha pathetic state. you just sauntered into my life, trample all over my heart, leave your fuckkin footprints, and left. just like that. i feel so bloody used. i feel so bloody toyed. lyk i'm some kinda plushie soft toy you play wif den when you get sick of it, or when you got a new one, you just toss it aside. yeah. that's exactly how i feel. do you know? no. why? cos you're too ignorant, my darling.you're blind. you're so bloody fucking blind! you dont haf any idea how much it hurts, do you? how can i let you have this shit effect on me? i did NOT do anything to make you torment me like that. like a slave. you ALWAYS do the same thing over an over again. whole day whole life. dont you ever get tired of using the same victim? can you change? please? cos i dont enjoy going thru this shit. go find someone else who absolutely love being a slave of your heart. how can you be so mean? if only i'd known this abt you before i feel this way. i'm too deep inside now. i cant come out anymore. i was so stupid. i was so dumb. how could i? you mean freak. hurtful jerk. emotionless asshole. sadistic bitch. calling you names aint making me feel any better. i thotyou had opened your door and let me enter your life. but as usual, i thot wrong. typical.

[flashes of your shadow]
at Wednesday, September 14, 2005

presented geog drama today. screwed it. big time. we did all the super last minute things ytd and spent so much time planning to do what where in the bloody classroom. today, ms rosalie just change the venue of the presentation to the it resource room. what the hell. without notifying us earlier. just change like that. we were supposed to hang up clothes and stuff. and tie yarn and things like that. was very irritated. and in the first place how can we present when joan's throat is sore? she even mentioned that marks were given for the projection of voices. but when we told her joan's throat is sore, she said, oh then joan you come to the middle of the room to say your line. ??? den joan's supposed to just walk out of the presentation to the middle of the it resource room to say her line, den walk back? what is that? then she said, ok girls sit back at your places and think whether you want to present today. then we decided not to. group 2 presented first. then after that we went up and tell her that we needed to make adjustments to the script since the location is changed.she said, sorry girls, but you have to present today. i was thinking, what????? so we had no choice. rant to the classroom, got props ready, changed and ran back to the it resource room. had this feeling in me that we were gonna flop. even tho we dd well for rehearsal ytd after school. and guess what? we flopped. as in really really really performed atrociously. the worst ever. we're gonna be the worst group. during the presentation we were laughing when we're not supposed to, talking, signalling, ahh!!!!!!!!!!!!i wanna rewind time. so we can do it again. we even forgot which scene is when.and the space allowance in the it resource room is way too little. hmph!!! and joan painted a car. we did not use it. we made a bandage. also did not use it. sigh. sucha disappointment. we thought we could use props to make up for our super short script, but. i dont think so anymore. and it's 50%. i did really badly for my ca. i needed this to pull me up. i dont think it can anymore. i can say goodbye to going to a geog class next yr.

had tuition after school. forgot to brg foolscap. eek. how absent-minded of me. the most impt in math tuition.ugh.

[flashes of your shadow]
at Wednesday, September 14, 2005

9.10.2005

this is the worst holiday ever. the worst.

[flashes of your shadow]
at Saturday, September 10, 2005

9.03.2005

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made this for gen. she made smt else for us. yay! so sweet.. ilu genffi!

[flashes of your shadow]
at Saturday, September 03, 2005

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made this for gen. she made smt else for us. damn sweet. ilu genffi!

[flashes of your shadow]
at Saturday, September 03, 2005

9.02.2005

whee! hols are starting. we had dance today. and i strained my muscle. at this rate, i can never ever ever ever dance to my satisfaction. and it's my right leg muscle. wth. fuck it. when will it ever heal?? i always envy my other classmates every fri. last period. it's always lit, mrs lim period. we'll shout thank god it's friday. haha. but i can never shout. never. =( cos i noe there's dance later and i'll be so tired after dat. sigh. even today, when it is the last day of school. still got dance. and everyone was shouting and screaming. wahlao. fuck. i really dread straining my muscle and not being able to walk properly. argh. i cant stand it. why?? when will my bloody fucking leg heal????????? argh!!!! i'm bloody pissed! feel lyk a fucking handicapped asshole. =(( i'm sad.

on a lighter note, i did ok for this term! yay! was surprised when i got my progress report. din expect. seeing that i did lyk shit for english and science. wahlao . now even my chinese is better than english! lol. it's weird. hella.

i made a timetable again. but seeing how unsuccessful the last one was, i'm praying i'll keep to this. really. i'm scared the slacking part of me take over. haha.

bloody nervous for tmr.

[flashes of your shadow]
at Friday, September 02, 2005